Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Breaking news:
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary