@SortaBad

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

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@Parkerlawyer

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

@TheBoydP

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

@DadInUtah

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

@stephenjmolloy

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

@chris_witha_see

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

@BlancheDD140

‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?

Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.

@JonasPolsky

When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.

@BoozeWallet

[at gym]

me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]

cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying