I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
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Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
‘No Panties Tuesday’ is a thing, right?
Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
When a dog’s stomach starts growling, it’s either hungry, or pregnant.
me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it]
cute girl: you don’t have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying