POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
You Might Also Like
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.