police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Have a lovely day 😊
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.