“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*