Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
They must have gotten it to go.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.