@thepunningman

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

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@vexroid

Found $0.83 under my pillow.

It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I’m a little worried about what I was paid for.

@ThisLocalHater

[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]

What do you mean isolated and unstable?

@DadandBuried

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

@TheToddWilliams

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

@IamDrainBamaged

I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

@mom_tho

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

@CopBroughtPizza

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

@WheelTod

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.