@bea_ker

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

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@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

@JanineEB4

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

@Bedlam_Beersie

Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.

@_GrahamPatrick

[bedroom]

TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I’d never cheat on you.

TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay….hey, when did we get that wardrobe?

@squirrel74wkgn

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

@elle91

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft

@UncleDuke1969

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

@Holy_Mowgli

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no