If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect
N: our next contestant…
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.
Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny
Jesus:HAHA I got you!
Judas: So glad this is our last supper
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.