Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.


Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.


[spelling bee]

Narrator: relax

Contestant: ok

Narrator: I’m sorry but that’s incorrect

C: what?

N: our next contestant…


cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them


Someone just knocked on the door of my apartment and I yelled, “There’s no one here,” so I think I handled that very well.


Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?


It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this


When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.


toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else