My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
TRANSFORMER WIFE: Honey, this is silly. I’d never cheat on you.
TRANSFORMER HUSBAND: Okay….hey, when did we get that wardrobe?
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Wife: It’s beautiful
Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
snowmen don’t need scarves, idiots.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no