Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
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“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
You deplete me
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke