police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Saw online –