Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.