[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”