[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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Well, shit
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
How long do you have to wait between naps?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I am never leaving this website
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.