[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911