@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

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@XGibbons

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

@Cheeseboy22

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

@Jarhead44

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

@ScottWesterfeld

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

@LetMeStart

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

@Playing_Dad

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.