Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
2: He ate 3 campers
Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
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Huge, if true.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Lady GaGa is easily the scariest of all the Muppets.