@put_veerle
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
@JohnLyonTweets
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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@put_veerle
@baconNmeggs
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
@SirEviscerate
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
@iwearaonesie
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
@mela_shea
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
@DadandBuried
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
@MelvinofYork
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
@UncleDuke1969
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
@lindsaymills
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.