[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
The cashier just checked me out.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch