@Matt_The_1st
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
@I_am_carbs
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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@Matt_The_1st
@robfee
While a gun does make for a cool weapon on The Walking Dead, the most effective weapon against the zombies is probably lightly jogging?
@blade_funner
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
@Cpin42
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
@sixfootcandy
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
@mommajessiec
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
@LoveNLunchmeat
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
@NewDadNotes
Me: what are you doing?
Daughter: playing with Michael.
Me: aw, I had an imaginary friend named Michael when I was your age too.
Daughter: I know.
Me: how did you know?
Daughter: Michael told me.
@BallsMcBallski
The seventh rule of Fight Club is no one leaves until ALL the chairs are put away.