[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Never ghost your hitman.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?