POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?