Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
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[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
my dog when i have a friend over
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale