Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

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We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.


*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*


Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?


Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from “The Sleeping Disease”


Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.


The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.


*Ouija board begins spelling*
“Ooooh, spooky”
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”