@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

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@muyrando

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

@ThisOneSayz

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

@Schmoodles

Cholesteroly? RT @kfc_colonel How would you describe KFC gravy in one word?

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from “The Sleeping Disease”

@UnFitz

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

@OrdinaryAlso

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

@crylenol

*Ouija board begins spelling*
H-A-V-E_S-O-M-E
“Ooooh, spooky”
G-R-A-N-D-C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N
“Dammit Grandma, haunt someone else”