POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

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ME: What tattoo should I get?

TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.

ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.


My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”


*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs


My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.


Her: I’m pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*


*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
“How coach”
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*


(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.