@FunnyBison

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

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@iGreenMonk

Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”

@jellybnbonanza

Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”

@juliussharpe

I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

@TheCiscoKidder

A fine piece of art is like a fine piece of ass, I don’t understand either one but I want to take both home and mount them against the wall.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

@Eightinchgoat

Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.

@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@freypalm

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

@AGreaterMonster

New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.