POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

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Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”


Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”

Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”

Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”


I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.


Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …


A fine piece of art is like a fine piece of ass, I don’t understand either one but I want to take both home and mount them against the wall.


Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!


Sorry I tried to strengthen my immune system by asking your wife to breast feed me.


A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”


*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?


New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.