@FunnyBison

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

- @FunnyBison

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My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

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If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

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@lilgapeach30

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
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@kidd_kong78

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The name, the crimes, the mugshot.

@beefman138

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

@GoldenSpirals

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Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

@Kids_kubed

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I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”

@histwaddle

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