POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
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I only wanted one Duran.
ME: What tattoo should I get?
TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection.
ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Her: I’m pregnant
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*Ohio State coach*
Boys, I know how we’re gonna beat the Oregon Ducks
With our secret weapon
*pulls out a loaf of bread*
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.