Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
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Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender