70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”
[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Sucks the USA lost. Now we can’t keep watching TV at work.
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!