Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.