Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
the way this pissed me off… 😭