Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’