Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Very good! 👍😂
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game