Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?