Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
spicy snake
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!