POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”