POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
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Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Sounds like a bargain
beware of dog
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.