@HashtagAbdul
@man_spach
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
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@man_spach
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
@sixfootcandy
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
@FunnyBison
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
@Cheeseboy22
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
@charliedelta7
Don’t be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I’m saying.
@mattZillaaaa
I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut
@BoogTweets
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
@squirrel74wkgn
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
@ReginaldDennys
Ouija board……”your going to die!”
Me: you’re*