My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Don’t be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I’m saying.
I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Ouija board……”your going to die!”