Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
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Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income