@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

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@man_spach

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

@sixfootcandy

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

@FunnyBison

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@charliedelta7

Don’t be offended if I speak to you condescendingly. Be happy that I care enough to be sure your simple mind understands what I’m saying.

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve had about 13 beers so I guess I’ll give myself a haircut

@BoogTweets

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

@squirrel74wkgn

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*