POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old