If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
You Might Also Like
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?