@samuelhlowe

– Police, open the door.
– What do you want?
– We just wanna talk.
– How many of you are there?
– Two.
– Well just talk to each other.

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@Darlainky

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

@ArfMeasures

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

@MiahSaint

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

@3sunzzz

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

@SortaBad

Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber

@juliussharpe

My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.

@TheMichaelRock

Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!

@TragicAllyHere

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

@funnybeachgirl

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”