[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
– Police, open the door.
– What do you want?
– We just wanna talk.
– How many of you are there?
– Well just talk to each other.
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Negative effects of smoking Marijuana.
1. You now have less marijuana.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?