Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
– Police, open the door.
– What do you want?
– We just wanna talk.
– How many of you are there?
– Well just talk to each other.
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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.
Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”