– Police, open the door.
– What do you want?
– We just wanna talk.
– How many of you are there?
– Two.
– Well just talk to each other.

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[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you


Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.


No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.


Negative effects of smoking Marijuana.

1. You now have less marijuana.


The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.


I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.


[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die


To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.


How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?