POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
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no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS