Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.
No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!