What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
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Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
When ur friends with white people
same bro
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.