“Police! Open up!” “No, you’re gonna yell at me”

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Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”


My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.


I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.


just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye


I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.


FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course


ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.


Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.


Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!