Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
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will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Me sliding into hell like
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners