POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
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NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
This probably isn’t good
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I put the h in mysterious.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here