POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
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Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”