@onion_an

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

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@david8hughes

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

@bobvulfov

if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

@Xoolun

My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

@braag_

hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials

@dril

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

@brendanmcginley

Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.

@DirtyySouthMess

Apparently it’s not enough to just show up, you need to be wearing pants as well.

@daemonic3

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*