[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

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Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.


[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO


Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don’t fool me. Oh that’s your bf. You still don’t fool me.


My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.


Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?


[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*


5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”


Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.