@onion_an

[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

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@TheBoydP

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

@pleatedjeans

[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO

@ticknada

Girls holding hands with gay guys, you don’t fool me. Oh that’s your bf. You still don’t fool me.

@mela_shea

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

@ThisLocalHater

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

@cbdoubleu

[Imagine Dragons Concert]

me, a rebel: *thinking about cats*

@StellaGMaddox

5: “Mommy why not?”

Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”

5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.