[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
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What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Cha-ching is my safe word
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Bobby pin
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”