[police raid at balloon store]

Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”

Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”

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[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition


if ur in a horror movie scenario, a fun way to throw off the ghosts is to put a bed sheet over ur head and say “i too am a spooky ghost”


Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”


Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet


My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?


hello vegans, if PIGS are so SMART why do 66% of them build houses with INEFFECTIVE, STUPID materials


my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair


Cleveland checks its makeup in the mirror, promises itself this time with LeBron won’t be like before.


Apparently it’s not enough to just show up, you need to be wearing pants as well.


Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*