Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

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Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget


Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?


[Getting married]

Hey, thanks for doing this with me… I wasn’t sure how to operate the microwave.


Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.


[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is


After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”


Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle


I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.