@JohnLyonTweets

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

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@RyDoon

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

@caliluvgirl77

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

@JustDontBugMe

[Getting married]

Hey, thanks for doing this with me… I wasn’t sure how to operate the microwave.

@HollyMemphis

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

@TheHyyyype

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

@Mr_Kapowski

After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”

@MaverickBistro

Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle

@SlipperySecret

I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.

…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.