Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
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When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
me refusing to leave twitter
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Simple
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
this is literally a CIA plant
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some