4. Dancing in public
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
You Might Also Like
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Hey, thanks for doing this with me… I wasn’t sure how to operate the microwave.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
After incorrectly spelling my symptoms at least 100 times, WebMD kicked back “Listen idiot, you’re drunk. Just go lay down”
Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle
I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
…because I don’t have time to get arrested today.