Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
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Breaking news:
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.