@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

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@AndrewNadeau0

{Watching movie where genius is filling whiteboards with math}
ME: *Trying to impress date* Ah. Yes. I see. Because he carried the one.

@Eightinchgoat

My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.

@iwearaonesie

[grocery store]
me *hits back of wife’s leg with the cart* Funny running into you h-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

@Home_Halfway

A perfect cake idea for someone you have absolutely no feelings for either way

@JohnLyonTweets

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

@Tmoney68

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

@lakeanagirl

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man