@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G

@Tmoney68

If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.

@whatmaddness

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

@sarahgkirby

why don’t grocery stores participate in black friday?? i don’t need 20% off a flatscreen – give me half price tide pods and $1 coffee creamers and then you better believe i’ll be at the doors at 3am

@LMHPhotog

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much.

What a thing to Fallout 4.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@Cpin42

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

@ZingingCutie

If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.