Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

I met my wife on Tinder.!

*After 4 months of marriage

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

🏠

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

grotesque if literal: baby food

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

her: what do you do for a living

me: I can’t tell you

her: like a spy

me: no I’m an eye doctor

her: oh an ophthalmologist

me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

4-year-old trying pop rocks:

I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu