[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
That’s amazing.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
shampoo implies shampee
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory