POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
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A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.