*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
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teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???