Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal