me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
everyone’s a critic
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?