[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Can’t stop laughing
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*