[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
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[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*