POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
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You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I need this for my side hustle.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.