POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Extremely relatable.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
lmfao come on
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
I did not eat the cake…
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.