POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
You Might Also Like
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped